The Lovely Cordyceps

Usually, I do not write about people.  To be honest, I don’t really like writing about people.  It gets you in trouble, everyone judges you, and I rarely like to write while in a bad mood.  However, sometimes in life you come across that one person that just makes you want to either run away and give up everything just to get away from them, or commit some act of violence that is generally frowned on in society.  

For me, this person is Cordyceps.  

Well, I guess that’s not actually her name.  But for all intensive purposes, that’s what I call her so no one actually knows how much I dislike her.  The name Cordyceps was actually coined by Lance.  Cordyceps is actually a genus of parasitical fungus that feasts on small insects or other fungi, which seemed like a pretty accurate likeness to the real Cordyceps to me.  Lance’s favorite type of Cordyceps invades an ant hill and turns the ants into zombies who later climb up a blade of grass, hang from their jaws, and allow a mushroom to sprout from their head.  

I have never in my life felt so much raw hatred towards anyone in my life other than Cordyceps.  I’d like to think that maybe it is her platinum blonde hair, her manicured nails, or the way she is constantly smacking her gum with an open mouth that drives me batty.  For the record, I do not like hating people.  I wish it was something superficial that I disliked about her so I could dismiss it and move on in my life.  However, to me, she partakes in the activity of utmost disgust for higher education participates.


I’ve seen dear Cordyceps cheating not only once, but twice on different exams.  And for someone who blows her brains out studying and works two jobs constantly, it makes it very difficult to like someone who takes exams with her notes at her feet and spends her weekends at the salon.  It also wouldn’t be so bad it she didn’t have aspirations to be a vet!  So, not only am I blowing my brains out studying, but my main competition has loaded the dice in her favor.  Beautiful.

Cordyceps is my ultimate torture.  She’s my raven knocking at the door, my heartbeat pounding under the floorboards and my cursed monkeys paw.  Every time I see her I feel my skin bristle and my heart rate pound.  And day by day I have to act civil and polite, and listen to her brag about how even though she loves her nail polish and make up and designer clothes, rest assured, she loves cutting up animals.  Not cute.

I bring up this rant because every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I get the pleasure of having Cordyceps as a class mate in not one, but two classes.   Woopiee!!  

Due to my highly competitive nature, should Cordyceps get an acceptance letter and I do not, I will most likely either throw myself off of one of Pittsburgh’s many bridges, or hire a hit man.  After, of course, I go and watch her stick her hand up a horse’s ass with all those manicured nails.


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